Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
