What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
