so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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