Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize