Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize