and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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