so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
