watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
