Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
