After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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