I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Randomize
