My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
