There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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