my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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