Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
