Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
