I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And then he peed in my hair
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