When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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