dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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