The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
