Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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