My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
