how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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