Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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