How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
