i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
