I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
