I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So much Jack, so little girl.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
