So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
