do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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