If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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