He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
