Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
