my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
