I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
