8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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