The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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