We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
