He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
