I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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