i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
