Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
