The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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