I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
