What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
