Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
