I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Did I show you my penis last night?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
