Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was like eating out sand paper
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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