Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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