I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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