God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
