ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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