I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
