mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
