Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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