at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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