Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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