The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize